Revan Gone Horny
by Red the Revolutionary
Summary: Revan wakes up on the Endire Spire, with a Republic Commando shouting at him, calling him some strange name. Oh well. Not the worst way he's ever woken up. He doesn't feel a need to tell anyone he's Revan, either. He likes to, 'Go with the Force'. Revan with a harem, almost complete crack, with a tint of plot.


Revan Gone Horny - Chapter One

_**Hey everyone, it's Red the Revolutionary. You may have known me as BlueCelebi, but I changed my name.**_

_**Anyway, this is my second Star Wars Fic with Revan, but my last one was a bit... Off..**_

_**It was a great idea, but I wrecked it. Oops. Oh well, I'll re-write it eventually. It's my favorite of my Fics.**_

_**The title is a work in progress, so if you have any suggestions, leave a review, or send me a PM. Thanks.**_

_**Anyway, this is a Crack Fic. To those that don't know, or who want my description of Crack, this mean that my story will have plot, but will also have as hit ton of humor. This is a also a harem Fic, but I want to keep some surprises up my sleeve, so I won't be telling you who's in and who isn't, except I 3 BastilxRevan, that Mission is now 18 (all Authors must draw a line, I draw mine there) Everything else is up fir grabs. OH, but I don't write Slash. That's another line. ON WITH THE STORY OF REVANS ADVENTURES!**_

Revan was sitting in his Throne. Well, he called it a Throne. It was really just a regular Captains chair with a cup holder, but it was more than what his other Captains got!

He sighed, and looked out the viewport, opposite the single elevator that led to his Bridge. Even with his back turned, he could sense that the Jedi strike team was about to arrive. That's good. He didn't want to die just yet.

The crew of the bridge had lone since evacuated, leaving Revan alone, looking at the Republic fleet that was currently being crushed. He saw _Malovence_, his bloodsucking Apprentices' ship moving forward, about to face his own flagship, _Revenger_. That was when the strike team entered.

"By the Order of the Supreme Chancellor, you are under arrest! Give up Revan! Surrender, and you can still be redeemed! Come back to the Light!" One said. Revan had his back to them, but he could still tell that there were seven. Five Jedi, three women and two men, two Commandos, both men.

Deciding he didn't want to turn around, Revan announced from his Throne, "Hello. Who might you be?"

Having been completely ignored, and not knowing what else to do, the same one repeated, "Surrender at once, you are under arrest!"

"Well that was rude. I'm Revan. Well, that's not my real name, but it doesn't really matter what my birth name is. And I'm afraid I can't let you place me under arrest. That would be quite embarrassing." Revan replied.

"Then you will be killed!"

Revan scoffed, and replied, "By five Jedi and two Commandos? Really? I know the Republic has better than that in its ranks. I was in command of them for some time if you recall. And even if you did have your five best Jedi, two best Commandos, and trained them for months just to take me down, you still wouldn't stand much of a chance. Would you like to know why?"

The two Commandos, along with the youngest male Jedi charged Revan, shouting, "FOR THE REPUBLIC!"

"That's why." Revan said, before effortlessly he Force grabbed one Commando, threw him into the other, then choked the Jedi that charged him. All the while sitting in his Throne, with his back turned. What a wonderful Throne. "You really should train them better. They nearly cut yout numbers in half!"

The oldest Jedi, knowing their only chance was to bluff, said, "Give up Revan! This Padawan, Bastila, has the power of Battle Meditation! She can rip you victory from you and give it to us!"

"She has a battle Meditation? Really? That's quite rare. And just so you know, you still don't stand a chance. That's not how it works." Revan said.

"I think I would know." The aforementioned Bastila said.

Revan finally turned around, albeit still sitting, and looked at them. Bastila couldn't help but notice he was slouching ever so slightly. How childish. Revan whistled, then said, "Bastila, is it? Do you mind if I call you Bastila? You're very beautiful by the way."

Bastila had to resist vomiting, and replied, "Please don't call me Bastila. Ever."

Revan laughed, saying, "Wonderful! You already begging me! This a great start my new Apprentice!"

Bastila once again resisted the urge to vomit, while the other Jedi said, "She is NOT your Apprentice!" After a pause, she continued, "Wait, don't you already have an Apprentice?"

"Hm. I suppose you're right. I can't have Bastila become my Apprentice yet. Luckily, we won't have to worry about the inbred cunt named Malek for much longer." Revan once again turned around, looking out to space. "You may be wondering why I haven't killed you all yet. It's simple really. I need you to save me."

"Save you from the Dark Side?" A hopeful Jedi asked, eager to escape from certain death.

"No no, nothing as silly as that." Revan laughed. He took off his mask, and Force levitated it to Bastila. "Take care of that, will you? It's very precious to me. I don't want a single scratch on it! Do you hear me? Not a scratch!"

While Bastila held the mask, the old Jedi asked, "What are you playing at Revan? Asking us to save you, if not from the Dark Side, them from what?"

Revan took a long breath, and turned around. "I need you to save me from this." As he said this, The Malovence appeared, slowly at first, before completely filling the viewport.

Bastila unfortunately, didn't take her eyes off of Revan. Her heart skipped a beat, and she couldn't help but notice that his eyes weren't the usual Dark Side yellow, but instead a crisp clear blue. While most Dark Jedi had their skin a pasty white at best, and wrinkly gray at worst, Revans was just normal, although he wasn't close to having a tan, likely due to his mask.

Of course, she only had a moment to notice this, before The _Malovence_ began opening fire. A moment after the first hit everyone (who wasn't sitting, bracing for impact) was thrown to the floor. Revan threw his head back, laughing. "Really? You really couldn't brace for impact? I told what was about to happen, that we were about to be destroyed, and all you could do is stand there, then fall down?" He continued laughing as his ship was blown to part, and then said, "Ah, this brings back memories... Me, telling the Jedi of their impending doom, then them, ignoring me, getting massacred." Perhaps taking in reality for the first time in their conversation, if one could call it that, Revan said, in a very concerned tone, "My dearest Bastila, are you ok? You're not dead, are you? I can't have you dead. Is my mask ok? You haven't gotten a scratch on it, have you?"

She got up, and looked around her. She saw that the remaining male Jedi had fallen and accidentally killed the female Jedi next to him, and somehow himself, while a fallen metal beam had impaled the remaining female Jedi, leaving only her. "How am I supposed to save you? You're the only one without any injuries!" She said.

"Escape pods are over there," Revan paused to point to a door frame to his right, and continued, "Now, it will be a bit of a snug fit, since they weren't exactly meant for more than one person, but I won't be upset if you sit on my lap. And there should be one left. Lastly, I'd like to remind you that it's against Jedi policy to leave someone for dead, even if he is a sexy Dark Lord of the Sith. Good luck!" Revan winked, just before a particularly large blast knocked him over, where he hit his head, and passed out.

"Well shit!" Bastila swore. From the moment her ship penetrated Revan hull, the plan had gone to hell. They had brought 150 Commandos, and 50 Jedi, hoping to swarm Revan with at least 40 Commandos and 20 Jedi. Several dozen ambushes later, they arrived at Revans doorstep, with the 5 Jedi, and 2 Commandos. Sighing, used the Force to levitate Revan with her right hand, while holding his mask with her left, and headed towards the escape pods. She knew that her orders were to capture him anyway, so this was actually a good thing. Aside from her entire team being killed. That was bad. Eventually, she opened the only remaining escape pod.

She couldn't help the glare she sent at Revan when she examined the escape pod. It was indeed cramped, with only one seat. Revan had apparently expected to be forced to evacuate, since there were rose petals on the seat, along with four lit candles, what appeared to be a bottle of wine, and romantic music playing quietly. _Wow. Real subtle Revan._ She used the Force to get the rose petals, candles, and wine out, but couldn't find a way to stop the music.

Then she found her next problem: one seat. Either he could sit in her lap, or she could sit in his. There really wasn't a third option, outside of one of them not going, since the 'romantic' items had all been placed in the seat. Seeing as how she didn't want to be squished by Revans armor, Bastila made the choice to sit in his lap.

If Revan was awake, she was sure that he would say something perverted.

She used the Force to levitate Revan onto the seat, sat on his lap, and buckled in. She hit the big red launch button just in time, since she was treated to a spectacular view of Revenge being exploding a moment after escaping.

Sighing, she began to relax. She had a long day. She had been forced to put down many Dark Jedi, as well as Sith Troopers. Then she had to watch as some of her fellow Jedi were murdered, one after the other, until only she was left. And she had to drag this Dark Lord down to the escape pods. _Some Dark Lord!_ she thought, _He practically knew that he was about to be betrayed, and he did nothing! Well, other than putting those roses and wine in the escape pod. Now that I think about it, aren't most escape pods bigger than this? Oh well. At least it smells nice. That's a pleasant change from the usual military smell. And this music is half bad either... _Bastila let out a yawn, as her adrenaline fell. She started to close her eyes, and eventually fell asleep, looking at the stars, and the burning ships. Unconsciously, she began to cuddle with the Dark Lord behind her. Oh, the yelling she would get for that when a Jedi opened the hatch. That would be funny to anyone not involved.

_**Well that was fun. And have no fear, my chapters are usually around four thousand words, but this is just a prologue. Anyway, chances are, I'll probably skip over the Jedi mind wiping, and skip to Revan waking up on the Endire Spire.**_

_**If there's anyone you want to see in the harem, that is genetically female, then leave a review, or send me a PM.**_


End file.
